When the world and all its woes weighs heavy, when the mortgage is due, when the gummies run out, when your pants don’t fit the way they used to, when democracy is in peril, when you begin to think the world is going to hell, what can you do? Cheer up, Bunky! Crack a joke! Cut a fart.
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I recently went to see I SEE NO ARLECCHINO, a delightful Commedia dell’Arte piece, at the intimate and fabulous PLAYERS’ RING theater in Portsmouth, NH. (If you’re in the neighborhood, go see something. Anything! It is a gem of a place.) The actors portrayed some of the stock, mask-wearing characters of 17th and 18th century Italian comedy - all of them poking fun at typical human foibles. Pantalone, with his hooked nose and prominent eyebrows, is generally an old merchant, often wealthy and esteemed, more often, completely ruined; the shrewd servant, Brighella, always plotting a bit of revenge on his master; Arlecchino, a master of stupidity who is always trying to create chaos; il Capitano, the vainglorious, deceitful braggart, dressed in a colorful uniform - all of them suggesting we take a good look at ourselves in the mirror. We all have our masks.
In thinking about all this, I remembered that back in my composer days (I miss them), I wrote separate little musical sketches for a few characters - sketches that would mix together into a complicated whole - every great musical has this mash-up number. I went hunting in my Finale Music writing files and found it! (No small feat these days). I will be forever thankful to Shep Shapiro for letting me join his music composition classes at Brown University. He allowed me to see myself as a composer.
Here are Doctor Balanzone, Patalone, la Bella Femina and il Capitano - for you music nerds.
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People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more humble in moments of success and less defeated in times of travail. Bob Newhart
Thank you, Bob.
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A few years ago, I wrote a script of an imaginary interview with Betty Crocker. I was taken with the fact that Betty Crocker was not real, she was an invention. As I wrote, someone else barged on stage, a rather Capitano-type character. I’ll let you decide who that might be.
I never managed to get it published but we did perform it (to great acclaim) this past August at a glorious writing retreat hosted by writers extraordinaire Kathy Fish and Nancy Stohlman at Shadowcliff, a log cabin palace on a mountain in the Colorado Rockies.
IS THAT YOU, BETTY CROCKER?
Good evening, my friends. Tonight, FOOD has the great pleasure of welcoming one of the great icons of the cooking world. She needs no introduction, really. The one, the only, Miss Betty Crocker.
[CANNED APPLAUSE]
FOOD: Good evening, Ms. Crocker.
BC: You can call me Betty
FOOD: Yes, Betty, well, you are such a well-known figure. It seems you’ve been part of our lives forever. Many of us can’t remember life without you. But there is a bit of mystery that surrounds your life, which is strange because there you are on every cake mix box we’ve ever bought, on the frosting, on the cornbread mix. None of us remember a life without Betty Crocker. You are part of our country’s identity!
BC: I have been phenomenal in the cake world. There’s a reason why I’ve risen to the top. You see so many people, they’ve stopped cooking-I don’t want this to sound trivial – nobody cooks from scratch anymore and a lot of people are just buying ready-made and I hate it. Losers.
FOOD: We’re curious, Betty, can you tell our listeners when were you born? and where you grew up? How did you become interested in cooking?
BC: We had a maid growing up, who was a very good cook. I have a great relationship with African Americans, as you may know. I have great respect for them. And they like me. I like them. And you may be shocked, but I actually don’t cook. I just have my people cook.
FOOD: (chuckling) Let’s move on, shall we?
BETTY: And now we’re creating LET’S MAKE CROCKER GREAT AGAIN where we hope to make a lot of dough – with other people’s dough. It’s gonna be great. A lot of people are excited about it.
FOOD: I bet. What is your relationship to other moguls of the food industry? say, Snap, Crackle, Pop or The Sugar Bear or…the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
BETTY: I don’t recall ever meeting any of those people. They’re FAKE, a bunch of phonies.
FOOD: That can’t be, Betty! What about Mr. Peanut or say, Charlie the Tuna or…Ronald McDonald?
BETTY: Those people are all disasters. Charlie the Tuna is a moron. I could grab Ronald McDonald by his Big Mac and he’d eat it up! He’d want to kiss my red spoon. But I wouldn’t let him because…
[FROZEN SILENCE]
FOOD: I’m not sure you’re supposed to say things like …
BC: I never met any of them. I hear they’re very nice, although none of them have ever said a nice word about me. And by the way, Mr. Peanut is a loser. He has a very low IQ. My IQ is one of the highest ever invented- and you all know it!
FOOD: I heard you started with a soup mix.
BETTY: I had nothing to do with that soup mix. That actually comes from China. CHI-NA.
FOOD: You have become more than just a household name. In 1945, FORTUNE MAGAZINE declared you the second most popular woman in America, the first being Eleanor Roosevelt.
BETTY: Eleanor Roosevelt…people say she was smart but I’m very smart and besides Eleanor had a face like a horse.
FOOD: There are very few pictures of you, Betty. I mean, we have the big red spoon with your signature on it. Is that, in fact, your signature, Betty?
BETTY: The red spoon, by the way, has nothing to do with Russia. I’ve never done a deal there. I’ve never liked borscht, but I don’t say that to them because I'm nice and because they like me. And of course, I signed the red spoon – a very powerful signature…the most powerful in the history of the world actually, even Abraham Lincoln’s signature wasn’t as good as mine.
FOOD: My sources say that your signature is actually NOT yours, Betty. It was actually penned by a secretary named Florence Lindeberg. She worked in the company where you were invented.
BETTY: I don’t know who you’re talking to or what you’re talking about and that’s ridiculous. People are always trying to drag me down and that’s OK.
FOOD: You were the brainchild of an advertising campaign in 1941, developed by the Washburn-Crosby Company, a flour milling company started in the late 1800s that eventually became General Mills. Florence Lindeberg was a secretary at the company.
BETTY: I’ve never met the woman. And besides, she’s not my type.
FOOD: But my sources say you’ve taken credit for this signature, which is really not yours, Betty. Is that true?
BETTY: Did I say you could call me Betty?
FOOD: Yes, actually you did. If you like, I can call you Ms. Crocker.
BETTY: No, no, I was only kidding. What’s the matter? Can’t take a little joke? And, by the way, all you Foodie people are LIARS. No one believes a word you say. All those ridiculously complicated recipes, and all that health-conscious, vegancrap. FAILING!!!
FOOD: Well…Betty...there are a lot of people out there who might be offended…but let’s move on. Can you give us the secret to your Super Moist Milk Triple Chocolate Cake Mix? I mean, do you really use triple the amount of chocolate?
BETTY: That’s a very rude question, and actually, you are a very rude person.
FOOD: People also say that you were very close to Colonel Sanders.
BETTY: I don’t believe I’ve ever met him. I travel a lot. I give a lot of famous people cooking advice. Many of them are good friends, you know. And Colonel Sanders, by the way, people say he is not really a colonel. I think he dodged the draft, which is shameful.
FOOD: Well, my sources say you did in fact meet him, Ms. Crocker. Tony the Tiger has testified under oath, that you had a child out of wedlock with the Colonel and that your lovechild is Chester Cheetah. Is this connection with CHEETOS accurate? And if so, could that be considered a conflict of interest?
BETTY: That’s not nice. Why would you ask a stupid question like that? I am the greatest cook in the history of the world. I don’t know what you’re talking about. This interview is over.
Absolutely hilarious and oh so clever!
Another mesmerizing piece, Kate❤️—thanks so much!